Keeping Up With the Jameses

Adventures in Modern Day Motherhood

The Trouble With Facebook March 4, 2009

Filed under: life — mommyoffive @ 2:27 pm
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For the past week or so, I’ve had a raging case of what can only be described as “head pneumonia.”  My lungs are fine, but it seriously feels like my head is full of vaseline.  I can’t breathe, I can’t hear, I can’t taste, and most horrifyingly of all – I can’t speak.  Also, my lips are all puffy from my desperate attempts to gulp air like a goldfish.  Now I know how Angelina Jolie does it.  She’s a mouth breather.  And for those of you who defended peroxide, it DOES NOT help.  I have now banned peroxide from my life due to it’s utter uselessness.

Despite my terrible affliction, I have managed to remain somewhat productive until about noon each day, and then I have been Totally.  Wiped.  Out.

This has translated into me watching a lot of movies on TV.  If you haven’t seen Amistad yet, you really must.

I’ve also caught up on some reading.  The Bookseller of Kabul is fascinating.  And Persuasion, while not Jane’s best work, did have it’s moments.  What woman in her right mind wouldn’t totally *swoon* when receiving Frederick’s letter?  Such a heartfelt declaration of love!  Speaking of Frederick, I had a major crush on a guy in high school whose middle name was Frederick.  Which brings me to my next point.

Facebook.  I still don’t get it.  But given my current state of uselessness, I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time on the computer.  And I’ve been trying to understand the draw of Facebook.

Here’s what I think my problem is:  the word “friend.”  It’s very inaccurate.  Facebook needs to have more request categories.

First of all, there are the people who ask to be my friends who I honestly and sincerely do not know.  I have never known these people.  I have no idea why they would want to be friends with me.  I usually just ignore their requests, but then I start second guessing myself.  What if I really did know that person?  What if their reaching out to me was a cry for help and I ignored it?  Can I live with that kind of guilt?  This is troubling.  Their friend requests should actually read something like “Sammy Stranger wants to randomly stalk you for the purpose of ___________.”   I’m OK with being randomly stalked, but own up to it.  Don’t try to pretend like you’re my friend.

Next, there are the people who, like Monsieur Frederick, I haven’t really thought of in years.  But now that I have thought of him, I’m curious.  Not curious enough to look him up and ask to be his friend, though.  That would just be silly, since we weren’t actually friends in high school.  I was just his stalker.  Could there be a button where we can peek at someone’s profile really quickly without asking and then never look again?

Then there are the people from high school who really were my friends.   It’s fun to see what happened with their lives.  Except.  Facebook doesn’t give out nearly enough information.  I am by nature a very curious person.  A family picture is not enough for me.  I want details.  Have they fulfilled all of their dreams?  Why or why not?  Are they happy?  What are their children’s names and ages?  What kind of food do they like to eat?  I know, it’s excessive, but that’s who I am.  And once these questions are all answered, let’s face it, we probably won’t communicate for another 20 years or so.   This request should be more like, “Cassie Classmate wants to briefly check in on you and find out all about your life, but realizes that you will probably never have a true friendship again because you both have lives in the real world.” (Note to former high school friends – It’s not that I don’t want to rekindle our friendship. I really do. I’m just being realistic here. But feel free to write or call.)

A very puzzling group to me is the people who are currently my friends in real life.  Do they really need to ask to be my friend?  Even more importantly, do they really want constant updates on what I’m doing?  If they do indeed want that information, can’t they just pop over for a visit?  That’s much more fun.  I am pleased to report that most of my actual friends realize this, by the way.  And real life friends, I just want you to know that it’s OK that I’m your Facebook friend, too.  I don’t understand it, but I’m OK with it.

Finally, a category that I actually get.  Co-workers and fellow cause-supporters.   I only joined Facebook in the first place because of the campaign.  And it seemed to be a fairly useful tool.  It has also been helpful in rounding up support for certain causes, such as the Big Push For Midwives, my current fave.  Many of these people have actually become my friends.  But most of them are just like-minded individuals.  Dear Facebook, can we please have a “like-minded individual” request?

Lest you think that obsessing about Facebook is the only thing I’ve been doing on the computer, I’ve been finding other ways to fill my time.

I ordered a new nursing bra from a website called  Please tell me I’m not the only person who finds that name hilarious.

I also googled “dog flatulence” because Houston, we have a problem here.  Did you know that there is actually a product called a “doggie thong” which filters the dog’s *ahem* emissions through a layer of charcoal?  I almost bought some, but then I realized that they aren’t cheap disposables.  They’re washable.  You’re supposed to wash them with your own unmentionables.  Which…no.   Just…NO.

And finally, I did a little bit of blogging research.  Apparently there are some people out there who actually put some thought into their blogs.  They work on single entries for days.  They edit and revise.  They think before they post.  I should try that someday.


2 Responses to “The Trouble With Facebook”

  1. janae Says:

    Confession: I often (not always) work on my blog entries for days. And nearly all of them get quite a bit of editing and revision. But still, they pale in comparison to your amusing posts. I can’t even imagine how hilariously entertaining your blog would be if you did that. I double in half reading now, so it would probably send me in to cardiac arrest. I say if you can just spout out hilarities, why worry for hours or days about what you post??

  2. mommyoffive Says:

    Janae –
    Ah, so that’s why your blog is so good. Really, it’s my favorite. You’re my blog hero.

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