Last night I found myself struggling with my inner crazy when Sarah told me that she would probably be getting an A- in her AP Physics class. After all, how can she possibly attend a good college and lead a productive life with such a terrible grade? I had just seen a news story about a homeless man who had accidentally been run over – twice – while he was sleeping in the bushes. Direct quotes from the story: “Pedestrians don’t always pay attention, especially when they’re sleeping.” “He should have been sleeping with his legs further under the bushes.” And I knew in my heart of hearts that with such an abysmal physics grade, Sarah could end end up like that one day – just another pretty face on the news giving unintentionally hilarious soundbites.
I tried to remain calm as I rushed to the computer to check out her grades. There it was: AP Physics – 92.79%. OK, that’s not so bad. The cutoff for an A is 93.5%. She was close. Oh, so close. I asked if there would be any more assignments before the term ended and she told me that indeed, she was working on an assignment at that very moment, but she wasn’t really understanding it.
“Ah ha!” thought I. “I totally rocked physics in college, I’ll just give her a little bit of parental tutoring!”
She was stuck on problem #8. I took the book away from her, preparing to wow her with my lightning fast intellect, and…suddenly that A- wasn’t looking so bad. I had NO IDEA how to solve problem #8. Nor could I solve #9. I didn’t even attempt #10. I’m not even sure the textbook was written in English.
This little incident must have really bothered me, because last night I had a dream in which I was trying to decide which college to attend: the quaint little university at the north end of the state, or the two year college at the south end of the state. I really wanted to go to the northern choice, but I was afraid that the winter would be too cold (Can you see the tragic pioneer movie playing in the background?). And then I realized that this must be a nightmare as I would never consider a two year college in real life and woke myself up. I lay there, drenched in sweat, secure in the knowledge that in actuality I had attended the high ranking private university smack dab in the center of the state. Nice moderate weather, ridiculously easy physics classes.
Post edit: The homeless man is going to be fine, by the way. See, I’m not totally heartless.