Keeping Up With the Jameses

Adventures in Modern Day Motherhood

Because I Care About You – A Warning December 21, 2009

Filed under: 406 — mommyoffive @ 5:24 pm

See this?

This innocent looking stuff is peanut brittle.  A holiday staple.  Everybody loves it, right?

Believe it or not, up until a few days ago I had never eaten peanut brittle.  It just didn’t seem that appealing when compared to the other Christmas goodies it sat next to.  And it reminded me a little too much of  “joke vomit.”  And anything that reminds me of vomit must be bad.

But a few days ago Todd brought home a gift of peanut brittle from one of his coworkers, and I had a desperate attack of the munches while staying up late working on a project, so I tried it.

It was good.  Very good.  I took the basket of peanut brittle and hid it from the rest of my family.  Its peanutty goodness would be mine and mine alone.

Here’s something else you need to know about me:  I’ve had braces twice.  My teeth are as stubborn as the rest of me and as soon as they find themselves without the confines of a retaining device they start to arrange themselves into all sorts of nasty configurations.  The first time that I had braces, I was a teenager.  No biggie.  The second time – I was pregnant, PTA president, and made the mistake of thinking that clear braces would be less noticeable.  Instead, they just made me look like I had big, dirty teeth.  It wasn’t humiliating at all.

So when I got those bad boys off, I resolved that I would never again go without a retainer for more than 16 hours.  (Which roughly translated means that I refused to wear a retainer during my waking hours, but wore it religiously when I slept.   So it was probably more like refusing to go without a retainer for more than eighteen or nineteen hours.  But who’s counting?)  The only problem with this resolution was that the retainers refused to cooperate.  My first retainer threw itself onto the floor where it got stepped on and crushed.  The second retainer snuck into a garbage can while I wasn’t looking.  When I found it, I panicked and tried to sterilize it by soaking in rubbing alcohol for 30 minutes.  I forgot that rubbing alcohol is a solvent.  The poor little thing never had a chance….  My third retainer was defective from the start and broke after just a few months of use.  My fourth retainer decided to stay in California after our Disneyland vacation.

By then, I’d had enough.  I demanded that my orthodontist put in a permanent retainer.  He didn’t like the idea, (I’m guessing this was because he was making a small fortune off of my retainer follies.) but I wouldn’t back down.  And so, for the past several years, I have had a permanent retainer glued to the back of my front teeth.  Which annoys me to no end, but at least my teeth have stayed put.

What does this have to do with peanut brittle, you might ask?  It’s not what you think.  The retainer is still firmly in place.  But…this morning, as I stealthily devoured my last piece of peanut brittle, a tiny piece of peanut covering (what DO you call the stuff that is around the peanut but not the shell?) got stuck behind the retainer, and I CAN.  NOT.  GET.  IT.  OUT.

It is making me C-R-A-Z-Y.  (I’ll pause for a minute to let my siblings and children chortle at that statement.)

All day long I’ve been trying to remove it.  I’ve tried brushing, flossing, mouthwash, tweezers, digging at it with a pin, and eating lots of other sticky foods, hoping that they will adhere to the errant brittle and pull it out.  Multiple times each.  No luck.  But I almost got some floss stuck in my retainer, too.  My poor tongue is raw from trying to work it out.

Peanut brittle is evil, I tell you.  Evil.

I’m warning you right now – don’t eat the peanut brittle.  You don’t need this kind of stress during the holidays.

But if you’ve already made a batch before reading my warning, bring it over to my house.  I’ll take care of it for you.  Make sure it is in a nondistinct, unmarked package before giving it to my children.  I wouldn’t want them to suffer the same fate that I have.


2 Responses to “Because I Care About You – A Warning”

  1. Your Sexy Child Says:

    Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah 😛 SUCKER!

  2. janae Says:

    Dude, I HATE THAT!!! I have a permanent retainer on my bottom teeth (believe it or not, the orthodontist made me because the retainer wouldn’t keep it in place) and that happens all the time. Popcorn and peanuts. I hate them. And love them. And hate them.

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