Wow! I have to hand it to you – you are GOOD. I was only gone for four days, and you managed to turn my garden into an unrecognizable mess. You may have won this round, but tomorrow I am coming after you with this:
Be afraid, be very afraid.
Dear Person Who Thought It Would Be Clever to Fill in Each Field in the Volunteer Form With a Very Bad Word,
Please accept this thesaurus as a gift from me to you. The next time you are bored, I have some weeds that need to pulled.
Dear Cottonwood Trees,
I am afraid our friendship has come to an end. Your puffy little cotton seeds clog up my air conditioner and make me sneeze. They also make my garage messy. And my car. And my carpet. The shade you are providing does not compensate for the mess you are making. And really, don’t you think you have enough offspring at this point?
Thank you for the thoughtful experiment you performed while I was gone. You have now unequivocally proven that a dishwasher will not load itself. And you may have discovered a new type of mold. Perhaps it will cure cancer. Then we will be rich.
That *is* what you were planning when you left all of those dishes sitting on the counter for me, isn’t it?
Dear Ice Cream,
I love you.