Keeping Up With the Jameses

Adventures in Modern Day Motherhood

If I Had a Horcrux January 4, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — mommyoffive @ 3:11 pm

Today has been melancholy.  The oldest four have gone back to school, while the youngest two had the nerve to play quietly and not make any messes.  The Christmas decorations are all sitting in their boxes, waiting to be placed, tetris style, back into their closet.  There are no more parties to look forward to, and worst of all, happy friends keep posting on Facebook about their adventures in DC to see Mike get sworn in.  I couldn’t go, since I am broke.  Stupid budget.  (Have fun without me, Mike Lee peeps!)

Since all of this has left me rather grumpy, I thought that I would take Maria’s advice and think of a few of my favorite things.  Except that I really don’t want to have to use rhyming words.  And I’ve been totally wanting to copy this clever post idea for a really long time now.  (I totally blogstalk her, by the way.  She is hi.lar.i.ous!)

So without further ado, I present:

My List of Horcruxes

(Small disclaimer:  Lord Voldermort has to kill someone each time he makes a horcrux.  That seems a bit extreme to me.  How about if I just use all of the houseplants that I have killed instead?  I could start with the dead poinsettia sitting on our stairway.)

(One more small disclaimer:  I am only going to discuss what my horcruxes would be, not where I would hide them.  Basically, I could hide all of my horcruxes in my closet and they would be safe forever, which is easy, but does not necessarily make for entertaining reading.)

(Final disclaimer:  I have no idea what the official plural for “horcrux” is.  “Horcruxes” seems to be rather unwieldy, but I’m too lazy to look up the proper pluralization.)

(Really final disclaimer:  When I made the Horcrux link to Wikipedia, I found out that “horcruxes” really is the correct pluralization.  Please disregard the above disclaimer.)

(I like disclaimers.)

My first horcrux would have to be my Pandora radio station. I don’t know how I survived laundry duty before I discovered the joy of Pandora.  (Oh wait, I do know how I survived.  I just avoided laundry at all costs.) I love the fact that all I have to do is type in my music preferences and voila – my perfect station is created.  It was through Pandora that I learned that I do, in fact, enjoy Coldplay, even if Chris Martin is married to Gwyneth Paltrow, who totally drives me crazy with all of her hoity toity perfection.  Pandora isn’t infallible, though.  Just today it threw a whole bunch of country music at me, simply because in a moment of madness I told it that I kind of like Rascal Flatts (Life is a Highway) and Keith Urban (huh?) and Nickel Creek (but only The Lighthouse’s Tale).  And then I was like, “Whoa, Pandora, don’t take me so literally!”  Which Pandora should have already known, since my station is “Bad Romance” but I’ve banned every single Lady Gaga song it’s ever played for me.

Moving on.

My next horcrux would have to be a book.  But which one?  Pride and Prejudice would be too obvious.  The Velveteen Rabbit would be too precious.  An Ordinary Man would definitely be in the running, as would Three Cups of Tea.  And let’s not forget about The Book Thief.  The Witch of Blackbird Pond (kids, stop snickering right now!)  has potential, as does Gathering Blue. But I think if I had to choose just one book to turn into a horcrux, it would be Cry, the Beloved Country. And I would hope that some of Alan Paton’s amazingness would rub off on me.  That man had a gift.

Since I’ve already covered music and reading, let’s move on to the big screen.  My next horcrux would have to be a movie.  If you know me at all, you already know which one I’m gonna choose.  But let’s go over the runners-up, just for fun.  First of all, there would be The Court Jester.  In fact, this just might be my pick, except that I don’t actually own it.  The Gods Must Be Crazy would definitely be in the running.  And of course, Willow and The Princess Bride.  I’m a little bit embarrassed to admit this, but Clueless will always hold a place in my heart.  Nonetheless, the winner is and always will be my Pride and Prejudice DVD, disk two.  Jane Austen + Colin Firth =  Best. Movie. Evar.

Speaking of Colin Firth, is The King’s Speech out yet?  If so, who wants to go with me?

My next horcrux would be my Mike Lee snuggie, because I definitely put a lot of my soul into earning that bad boy.  Believe it or not, snuggies are strangely comfortable.  My munchkins are constantly stealing it from me.  Even Sarah.  Even though I have clearly told each of them that illegal possession of my snuggie is punishable by death.  Apparently my children laugh in the face of death.

Next would be my Scentsy warmer, because without it my house would smell like it’s inhabited by eight people, one cat, one dog, and one taratula.

How could I forget my TIVO?  Without it, I would never be able to watch my favorite shows.  With it, I can watch an entire episode of The Amazing Race five minutes at a time every morning while I snarf breakfast because I have no other time to watch TV.   And life without The Amazing Race simply would not be worth living.

So there you have it – those are the six horcruxes I would create if I could create horcruxes.  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck…

It’s too bad that horcruxes aren’t real.  It would be kind of cool to be able to split off tiny pieces of your soul to ensure immortality.

But then again, maybe I’ve already done that.  Yes, yes I have.  These six will always carry pieces of my heart and soul with them:

Best.  horcruxes. EVAR.

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