Previously on Keeping Up With the Jameses, Sarah and Jennifer ran the DD10K. Sarah swore in her wrath never to do something so juvenile again, and Jennifer vowed to find a new victim to run with. Jennifer succeeded…
For the first time in months, the sun is shining as Jennifer and Emma pull up to the very full parking lot. They are running a tiny bit late, but still have time to don their
totally awesome somewhat lame very practical costumes – togas made from a dollar store tablecloth. Jennifer may be many things, but cheap is not one of them. Oh wait, yes it is.
Jennifer and Emma speed walk to the starting gate, where they see that many people have taken their lame costume lead. The costumes aren’t nearly as extravagant this year. The high cost of gas has clearly cut down on creativity at the Dirty Dash. Jennifer is excited to see that she is NOT the oldest person there this year, and Emma is not the youngest. The Dirty Dash has gone family friendly.
Ze ladeez line up behind a group a businessmen, the countdown commences, and they are OFF! Having learned from last year’s mistake of not tying their shoes tightly enough and losing them during the very first climb, Jennifer and Em have wisely decided to eschew shoes altogether and are instead running in flip flops. It takes them about 20 seconds to realize this is not the brilliant idea they thought it would be. Flip flops are VERY slippery when covered in slimy mud. Bummer.
Having somewhat successfully navigated the slime hill, Jen and Em begin working their way over hay bales. Lots and lots of hay bales. And then some more hay bales. Hay bales are fun to jump over for the first twenty or thirty times, but then they start to get old. Jennifer overhears another “mature pig” call it quits around haybale number 5017. “I just can’t take any more,” she wails, and then trudges back down the mountain.
Which is too bad for her, because they have now moved on to the giant walls. The giant walls are not so much of an obstacle as getting through the slimy, sloppy mud pits surrounding the walls. Especially when you are wearing flip flops. Just sayin’. Jennifer face-plants into a giant mud puddle. So does the guy next to her. And the girl behind him.
At this point in the race, there is so much mud that groups of porkers have created impromptu mud tubs, and are calmly sitting up to their elbows in the filth. It’s the perfect setting for discussing politics…
As they slide their way up the next hill, Jennifer overhears a hard core elite shirt wearing runner tell his companion, “This isn’t so much a race as it is an experience.” Which? Totally true. And it’s a good thing, too, because right around mile one Emma develops a serious case of idon’twannarunanymoreitis. Sigh. What is up with those wimpy James girls? Jennifer makes a mental note to send all of her children to boot camp. Maybe she can get a pedicure while they’re away.
It’s time for the tunnels! Last year, these were Jennifer’s least favorite obstacle. This year, they are much improved. The snow blowers are pointed directly into them, giving everyone a refreshing shower as they crawl through the darkness. Whew!
The patriot and the piglet begin to pass discarded clothing on the trail. Shoes and shirts are making regular appearances. The girls don’t get too worried until men’s shorts start showing up on the side of the trail. 😦
Time for the tires, which are way harder than they look. Especially if you are wearing flip flops. Just sayin.’
Jennifer overhears a muddy male musing about the injury-to-runner ratio. He postulates that it is quite high. Jennifer concurs.
What’s that? Another hay bale? And then a hay bale pyramid? That’s just mean.
Jennifer and Emma are approaching swamp land. But first, there is one last fence to climb over. It’s a real one this time. Jennifer overhears another male as he spots it. “$%)@#&^@#&##!” Jennifer laughs.
Up a steep hill, down a steep hill, through a deep ditch, and the ladies trudge into the sludge. Which? Is not nearly as deep and gooey as it was last year. Bonus points for the dead fish, though.
The ladies are back on the trail, where they meet up with a very smelly group a young men. “Have you seriously run this whole thing in sandals?” one of them incredulously exclaims. “Now that’s devotion to a costume!” another chimes in. Jennifer just lets them think that. It couldn’t possibly be that she was too lazy to properly put on shoes and didn’t think through the consequences of her actions.
Jennifer and Emma have reached the most difficult obstacle of all – the climb to the slide. At this point in the day, it is covered in mud – the slipperiest mud of all. What’s that? You don’t think slipperiest is a word? IS TOO! 😛 Adding to the sliminess, many porkers are sliding back down the mountain, penguin-style. This looks like fun, but when Jennifer begins to muse about joining them, her little piglet stops her with a worried, “No, Mom, no! We’ll never make it back up again.” They head to the real slide instead, which is a BLAST, as usual.
And then, it’s on to the finish puddle. Rules state that you must crawl through the final puddle. Emma is having none of this. “Get in!” Jennifer yells. “No!” Emma declares. “Please?” Jennifer begs. “No!” Emma snorts.
Jennifer ends up crawling through the pit alone.
And finally, finally, they make their way across the finish line, with a stunning time of 1:06:38. Don’t be jealous of the speed, people. Remember, it’s not a race, it’s an experience…
If you would like to see the Dirty Dash in action, this video sums it up pretty well. If you would like to run it with Jennifer next year, please contact her. She is running out of
victims children to experience it with.