And bi-polar. It’s mostly stick straight with just enough wave thrown in to make it look like I don’t own a brush.
Actually, I don’t own a brush. Brushing my hair is a very bad idea, unless you need to generate a large amount of static electricity in a very short amount of time.
My hair has actually made licensed cosmetologists cry.
For the most part, I have accepted the fact that I will never have beautiful hair. I have more important things to worry about, like whether or not The Amazing Race will last long enough for Sarah and I to apply. (Why, oh, why do all contestants have to be 21 years old?)
But every once in a while, when I am really, really bored, I attempt to have cute hair.
It always ends in failure.
Take this week’s little experiment.
It all started with this youtube video, which I somehow stumbled upon after watching an octopus eat a shark.
In the video, Amy shows a simple, no-fail method to achieve natural looking, long lasting curls.
I watched it once. I was in awe.
I watched again. I read the comments. People LOVED this curling method. I started to feel hope.
I watched a third time, and suddenly I KNEW. I just knew that if only I curled my hair using Amy’s super special curling method, I would suddenly have a head full of gorgeous, shiny curls and all of my life’s problems would be over. I would be rich! I would be successful! I would be talented! I would be as beautiful as Amy!
I dusted off my not-so-trusty old curling iron, plugged it in, and prepared to become beautiful.
I sectioned off my first section of hair, grabbed my curling iron, and…could not for the life of me figure out how to hold it. My hands were backwards. And I only had two of them. This technique actually requires three hands. Four would be even better. I am not kidding. Amy must be some sort of advanced alien species to be able to curl her hair with such ease and grace while using only two hands.
Luckily for me, I am able to contort my arms into all kind of weird angles. I found that by twisting my arms around each other and bending my elbows backward, I could *almost* get the curling iron into the right position. Almost.
Next problem: since I had to curl each section of my hair multiple times, it was taking for.ev.er. My arms were falling asleep. My hair follicles hurt. My bathroom mirror was quietly pleading, “Please stop looking at me.” And I still needed to cook dinner and take my offspring out for an evening of Colonial entertainment (more on that later). After 35 minutes, I was about halfway finished. No bueno. I raced down to the kitchen, where I began chopping up steak and veggies like a ginsu master. I may not have skills with curling irons, but I can wield a dull knife with all the finesse of Chuck Norris. I’ll let you decide what that means.
ordered my slave nicely asked Emma to start some rice and stir-fry the meat while I ran back upstairs to take just a few more minutes to curl my hair.
Thirty minutes later, my arms were asleep once again, my curling iron was starting to cry, there was a crick in my neck, and smoke was billowing through the kitchen. Emma had burned the rice. Thoroughly.
I quickly rescued the stir-fry, attempted to feed the munchkins (who were busily pretending to be firefighters), and raced back upstairs.
It was time for the fun part – the upside down fluffing.
It turns that I am no where near as glamorous as Amy when I am fluffing my hair upside down. I hit my elbow on the counter. And I almost fell over.
But when I flipped my head back up…
I had huge gorgeous, natural looking curls!
Just kidding. After spending over an hour in the bathroom with my arms contorted like a spider attempting macrame, I basically looked like Nick Nolte.
Except that my hair was bigger. As in, TEXAS bigger.
I am not even kidding.
I don’t even think a ponytail could have contained the glorious mess that was now my hair.
And I was completely out of time.
“Um, mom, what’s wrong with your hair?” asked a worried Jakob as I ushered him into the car.
“Why did you curl your hair tonight?” piped up Em.
Daniel just sadly shook his head. And away we went to a very public event. It wasn’t embarrassing at all.
But I just watched the video again, and I think I know where I went wrong. Maybe I should try again tomorrow…